My last post really highlighted my love life. Not all of the issues have been resolved, but I think that I’ve finally reached the point where I can move on from the boy I talked about. I now have An all new problem, and I decided to reach out to all of you for help. There’s this boy in my theatre class, lets call him Connor, and I think he may be interested in me, but I can’t be sure. I think he may be gay, but I can’t be sure, and I’m sure as hell not going to ask him (unless u think I should?) A few months ago when we had a sub and were playing a game, one cheerleader asked if me and a friend of a friend, Cindy, were “a thing”. I announced to her face (a little loudly, bit embarrassing) that I was gay. I’m fairly sure most of the room heard. Well in this game (a murder mystery) at this point we had to close our eyes while Connor chose who got to be the killer. I had caught him staring at me earlier, and as soon as I closed my eyes, he chose me. I’ve caught his eye once it twice, but we’ve never really talked. Recently, he moved behind me in class. The same day, he came and sat at my lunch table. I didn’t dislike Connor at the time,but I didn’t really know him. As far as I knew, we have no common friends. I figured someone invited him, and I felt awkward talking to him. Halfway through lunch he left. When we got into choir he sat right next to me, but we didn’t talk then either. We are working on our one act unit in theatre, and he invited me to be in his group. This is the first time we really talked, and he was really nice and funny. I made a decision to ask Cindy what his deal was, and she seemed very sure that he was gay. I later talked to Amber, the friend of Cindy’s that I was friends with. She said that she didn’t know, and that Cindy isn’t nearly as smart as she thinks she is. This is going to be an ongoing project in Theatre, and I’m looking forward to talking to him again. I need someone to tell me if I’m making this all up in my head or if something is actually going on here. If so, what should I do? Should I ask him out? Should I ask for his phone number? Should I give him mine and wait for him to call me?
Now I’ve hinted and implied and talked around this before, but I think it’s time I finally addressed it: I am stone cold, heart wrenchingly, depression inducingly, lonely. I have mentioned before that I have a gay best friend, and that nothing will ever happen between us. But it’s gotten so bad recently, that I’ve actually found myself thinking about him. And deep down, I know that I’m kidding myself, I know that I don’t want him, I know that he definitely doesn’t want me. I’ve just been so lonely recently that I would enter a relationship with him for the sake of not being alone. And extending on this hypothetical relationship, if it ever did happen, we would make each other miserable. We would drive each other insane, we would fight all the time, we would drag every fight we had to our friends and put them in the middle, and we would break up and get back together out of sheer necessity. We would put each other through hell. And if we were somehow happy, we would stay together for maybe a year or two, then college trips would start, I would cheat on him, he would get an STD to retaliate, blah blah blah. I’m partly writing this to be a reality check, so that I will remember how miserable I would be. I know that “it gets better” and “it’s easier in college” but that’s not always the case. I have multiple friends in other schools who are relationships, and it’s not easy feeling so left out when I’m already so left out of everything else. The reason that I’m writing this NOW is because last week I found out the two of my straight friends entered a relationship. Here’s the kicker: they’re both asexual. That’s basically unheard of in high schools, and that’s what makes it worse. Asexuality is an even smaller minority group than homosexuality, yet they found each other. Its hard, and I know I sound whiny and stupid and dumb, but dammit this really sucks for me. I’m ready,and independent, and smart, and I have to watch these straight ass holes, who I have always prided myself as being above, seeing these cheerleaders and athletes as shallow and simple, and now I envy them. I want to have something that they have, which is something that I have experienced before, and it pisses me off. If anyone has anything to say that can satiate raw unbridled rage an jealousy, leave it in the comments.
Ok people I’m not entirely sure how to do this. I thought I would start a little blog and talk about myself. I want this blog to be one that people like me read for advice and can leave advice for me. This first entry is just going to be a little about myself. I would prefer to remain anonymous, so you can just call me Angus Death-Mender or ADM. For those of you interested that’s a bit of an inside joke. All in due time. Well just a bit about me, I’m a 14 year old male who goes to Webb City High School in Webb City, Missouri. We just finished our production of The Wiz, in which I had a minor speaking part, and two major crushes on the Tin Man and the Scarecrow. I also fell into a state of fan-worship for both Dorothy and Glinda. I like to think that I’m a talented actor, singer, and writer. I am currently working on 9 different books. I have three dogs (Cookie, Coda, and Elvis) and one Siamese cat named Blu-Ivy (yes after THE Beyonce’s daughter) and since by now u r probably a little confused I will clarify that I am 100% flaming homosexual. If you didn’t know, that is socially acceptable basically everywhere except Missouri. I am one of two openly gay freshman. The other is one of my best friends and nothing will EVER happen between us no matter how crippling my loneliness. My favorite tv show is Once Upon A Time Lana Parilla is a Goddess. But I also love Gotham and How to Get Away with Murder. I have been told both that I am scary and a teddy bear. I have been called the human equivalent to a dark and stormy night, and also the perfect combination of gay nerd and elderly. One person once asked if I was a witch. Anyway, at my school I’m caught between the nerd and popular crowd (I’m just a GBF to either of them). Well that’s all I can think of right now.