My last post really highlighted my love life. Not all of the issues have been resolved, but I think that I’ve finally reached the point where I can move on from the boy I talked about. I now have An all new problem, and I decided to reach out to all of you for help. There’s this boy in my theatre class, lets call him Connor, and I think he may be interested in me, but I can’t be sure. I think he may be gay, but I can’t be sure, and I’m sure as hell not going to ask him (unless u think I should?) A few months ago when we had a sub and were playing a game, one cheerleader asked if me and a friend of a friend, Cindy, were “a thing”. I announced to her face (a little loudly, bit embarrassing) that I was gay. I’m fairly sure most of the room heard. Well in this game (a murder mystery) at this point we had to close our eyes while Connor chose who got to be the killer. I had caught him staring at me earlier, and as soon as I closed my eyes, he chose me. I’ve caught his eye once it twice, but we’ve never really talked. Recently, he moved behind me in class. The same day, he came and sat at my lunch table. I didn’t dislike Connor at the time,but I didn’t really know him. As far as I knew, we have no common friends. I figured someone invited him, and I felt awkward talking to him. Halfway through lunch he left. When we got into choir he sat right next to me, but we didn’t talk then either. We are working on our one act unit in theatre, and he invited me to be in his group. This is the first time we really talked, and he was really nice and funny. I made a decision to ask Cindy what his deal was, and she seemed very sure that he was gay. I later talked to Amber, the friend of Cindy’s that I was friends with. She said that she didn’t know, and that Cindy isn’t nearly as smart as she thinks she is. This is going to be an ongoing project in Theatre, and I’m looking forward to talking to him again. I need someone to tell me if I’m making this all up in my head or if something is actually going on here. If so, what should I do? Should I ask him out? Should I ask for his phone number? Should I give him mine and wait for him to call me?
Now I’ve hinted and implied and talked around this before, but I think it’s time I finally addressed it: I am stone cold, heart wrenchingly, depression inducingly, lonely. I have mentioned before that I have a gay best friend, and that nothing will ever happen between us. But it’s gotten so bad recently, that I’ve actually found myself thinking about him. And deep down, I know that I’m kidding myself, I know that I don’t want him, I know that he definitely doesn’t want me. I’ve just been so lonely recently that I would enter a relationship with him for the sake of not being alone. And extending on this hypothetical relationship, if it ever did happen, we would make each other miserable. We would drive each other insane, we would fight all the time, we would drag every fight we had to our friends and put them in the middle, and we would break up and get back together out of sheer necessity. We would put each other through hell. And if we were somehow happy, we would stay together for maybe a year or two, then college trips would start, I would cheat on him, he would get an STD to retaliate, blah blah blah. I’m partly writing this to be a reality check, so that I will remember how miserable I would be. I know that “it gets better” and “it’s easier in college” but that’s not always the case. I have multiple friends in other schools who are relationships, and it’s not easy feeling so left out when I’m already so left out of everything else. The reason that I’m writing this NOW is because last week I found out the two of my straight friends entered a relationship. Here’s the kicker: they’re both asexual. That’s basically unheard of in high schools, and that’s what makes it worse. Asexuality is an even smaller minority group than homosexuality, yet they found each other. Its hard, and I know I sound whiny and stupid and dumb, but dammit this really sucks for me. I’m ready,and independent, and smart, and I have to watch these straight ass holes, who I have always prided myself as being above, seeing these cheerleaders and athletes as shallow and simple, and now I envy them. I want to have something that they have, which is something that I have experienced before, and it pisses me off. If anyone has anything to say that can satiate raw unbridled rage an jealousy, leave it in the comments.
Now I promise you this post is NOT about male escorts, it’s just the rhyming catchy title that comes to mind. This is more innocent and disease free than that. I don’t know if this is a consistency, or if it’s just something that is popular here. I am in speech and debate at my school (I’m starting to do LD debate, and I do Pro/Poe) and something that I’ve noticed at tournaments is that there is an INSANE amount of gay people in debate. Like a disproportionate amount of gay people. Like an uncharacteristically large amount of gay people. It really makes me wonder what it is about debate the attracts (Cards Against Humamity© moment) The Gays. So this is my first real time interacting with other gay people my age. And please, don’t think that I’m some hormone filled sex shark in a boner induced frenzy, everyone there is great, I’ve made tons of friends in debate, this is just me talking about this subject in particular. Anyway, first time around guys who may ACTUALLY be interested in me (emphasis on may), and I realise that I have absolutely no experience in flirting, seduction, relationships, kissing, casual conversation with potential partners, or being reserved at all. As much as I hate to admit it I may have scared a couple of guys away in my attempts to make my goals known. Que Sera Sera (Idk what it means but it seems to fit). Now, let me give you a crash course in gay guys minds for you. Contrary to stereotypes would have you believe, gay guys are absolutely no different from straight guys. I have learned this the hard way. (cue laugh track) Gay guys are just as starved sexually as straight guys, and in some ways it’s easier for them, and some ways it isnt. I exclude myself from “them” because I like to think of myself as an individual, because I do not have the pathological desire to screw or be screwed by anyone with a penis. I am searching for something deeper (no pun intended). I don’t mean to paint with a broad brush, I’m sure that there are other guys just as fed up as I am and whoever they are Will they please call me. (Ba dum chhhh) Moving on, if, like me, they go to a school with, like ZERO dateable people (no I don’t mean they r ugly, I’m referring to proper age, sexuality, gender, etc.), then it is EXTREMELY hard for them to get off, yet, at the same time, imagine how straight sex goes. The guy is in a hormonal rage and just wants to nail the girl, and the girl makes the final decision whether or not that’s going to happen (once again that’s not always the case, in just painting with a broad brush). Now imagine with TWO guys. Each wants sex as bad as the other, and neither plans on holding it off. That’s just my little frustrated rant. Ok, so recap: I’m sad, lonely, aggressive, inexperienced, and frustrated, and I’m suddenly thrown into a pool of guys that could be interested in me, and I’m scared out of my mind. I can always improvise, and try to flirt, but what if they get the wrong idea, and I obviously can’t sit down and announced that I’m searching for someone to spend the rest of my life with (I know I’m only fourteen and this is ridiculous and I have all the time in the world well shut your whore mouth Shannon). So then my dream comes true, I go to a debate tournament and I come across a guy who I think may be interested. He makes a point to initiate conversations with me, and I make a point to laugh at all his jokes and still make a point to express my personality and my interests. He asked if I was gay, and I said yes, and he seemed excited by it. We talked multiple times throughout the day, and once he even made a comment about liking my hair- YES!! I did it, he’s interested- and I get his last name and phone number. I’m sure that he’s gay, he’s funny, interesting, and though I don’t like to judge on appearances, not bad looking. Then the shit hits the fan. I decided to talk to one of my friends who goes to his school about him. Lets call her Reece and him Cooper. I find that Cooper is not only straight (which is fine, that’s just him, I just whispered Damn it and silently contemplated throwing a radio into my bath tub.) ,but he is an extremely ANTI-GAY straight guy. These are the people I like to reserve the term breeder for. He enjoys making comments on “if two homosexuals were on a deserted island, could they reproduce?” (My least favorite, and probably least logical breeder comment.) And what he enjoys above all is flirting with gay guys to lead them on. Well that just lights my fire. Under any other circumstances I would have said “just because you assume that I like to do taboo and creative things with my ass (which is none of your business anyway) doesn’t mean I can’t beat, kick, and kill yours” but instead, I felt weak. Crushed. I genuinely liked Cooper. I can’t see the appeal of leading on lonely, sad guys because you think it’s funny. Anyone who likes to flirt with guys, I think, has something to admit. That was this weekend.