Tag Archives: anger

Lonliness

Now I’ve hinted and implied and talked around this before, but I think it’s time I finally addressed it: I am stone cold, heart wrenchingly, depression inducingly, lonely. I have mentioned before that I have a gay best friend, and that nothing will ever happen between us. But it’s gotten so bad recently, that I’ve actually found myself thinking about him. And deep down, I know that I’m kidding myself, I know that I don’t want him, I know that he definitely doesn’t want me. I’ve just been so lonely recently that I would enter a relationship with him for the sake of not being alone. And extending on this hypothetical relationship, if it ever did happen, we would make each other miserable.  We would drive each other insane, we would fight all the time, we would drag every fight we had to our friends and put them in the middle, and we would break up and get back together out of sheer necessity. We would put each other through hell. And if we were somehow happy, we would stay together for maybe a year or two, then college trips would start, I would cheat on him, he would get an STD to retaliate, blah blah blah. I’m partly writing this to be a reality check, so that I will remember how miserable I would be. I know that “it gets better” and “it’s easier in college” but that’s not always the case. I have multiple friends in other schools who are relationships, and it’s not easy feeling so left out when I’m already so left out of everything else. The reason that I’m writing this NOW is because last week I found out the two of my straight friends entered a relationship. Here’s the kicker: they’re both asexual. That’s basically unheard of in high schools, and that’s what makes it worse. Asexuality is an even smaller minority group than homosexuality, yet they found each other. Its hard, and I know I sound whiny and stupid and dumb, but dammit this really sucks for me. I’m ready,and independent, and smart, and I have to watch these straight ass holes, who I have always prided myself as being above, seeing these cheerleaders and athletes as shallow and simple, and now I envy them. I want to have something that they have, which is something that I have experienced before, and it pisses me off. If anyone has anything to say that can satiate raw unbridled rage an jealousy, leave it in the comments.