Dear future love

Dear future husband,

Tomorrow is our wedding day, but of course you know that already. I never thought I would find you, and I thought I was doomed to be alone forever. But, I did, and for that I will violate my philosophy of prayer just this once to thank any entity out there that I found you. Thank you God/Jesus/ Buddha/ Allah/ Zues. I thought that I was too much for someone. Too aggressive, too passionate, too independent yet needy, too desperate, too creative, too ugly, too fat, too sad, too angry,and at times too mean, and that no one would ever fit. But then, there you were, like you had been designed for me. I barely dared to believe that someone like me, a perfect match, even existed, let alone be right in front of me. Then I thought that you could never be interested in me, either wouldn’t be interested physically, or you would be unable to get past my rough exterior. Like so many people you would only see me as one thing. And that would be all you would thing of me as. Instead, you looked beyond everything, like you could see my soul and the person it contained. I never thought it could ever go past a mild flirtation (though I fantasized about this day since our first date) but it evolved into a relationship. A mutual relationship, with someone who needed as much as I needed them. I knew it would all come crashing down when I inevitably fell for you before you could fall for me, but to my surprise you were the one to say it first. Those three little words; I. Love. You. I thought my greatest fear would be that I would die alone, without having ever loved anyone, but it was replaced by a new fear. The fear of having you, loving you, falling for you and letting you in, and losing you. Yet here we are. And now, after I have reached the summit, the mountain seems so small, so inconsequential. Some day I’ll look back and say that I had a little nervousness about us. But today, I remember how it was, how I was. My fear of dying alone was so strong strong that I would have fallen into the arms of anyone who would have me. I never expected to find someone who would choose me out of anyone in the world. When I was 14, I was so desperate, so lonely, that I seethed with an infectious darkness. I was so lonely that it ached. I thought that if I didn’t have a boyfriend by then, it meant I would die alone. As stupid as that sounds to me now, that is how I felt. Sometimes, I wonder how u felt, at that time. What your life was like, if you felt lonely, and cheated. Sometimes, when I think about it, the old anger comes back, and I neurotically feel that I was cheated out of those extra years with you, that I could have known you all the sooner. But then the old fear comes back, and I’m afraid that if we knew each other back then, we may have not been mature enough, or through some cruel trick of fate, we may have ruined anything we could have had. But as I write this I realize that it doesn’t matter. We are together now, and I plan on spending every moment of my life with you from now on. I don’t know what the next years will contain, but I know that we will be together forever. This is just the next step in the greatest adventure of my life. I love you, and tomorrow, when I walk down that aisle, I will know, for the first time, that I am doing something right.
With all my heart,
Your darker half, and the Yin to your Yang,
Your soon to be husband

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