I need advice

My last post really highlighted my love life. Not all of the issues have been resolved, but I think that I’ve finally reached the point where I can move on from the boy I talked about. I now have An all new problem, and I decided to reach out to all of you for help. There’s this boy in my theatre class, lets call him Connor, and I think he may be interested in me, but I can’t be sure. I think he may be gay, but I can’t be sure, and I’m sure as hell not going to ask him (unless u think I should?) A few months ago when we had a sub and were playing a game, one cheerleader asked if me and a friend of a friend, Cindy, were “a thing”. I announced to her face (a little loudly, bit embarrassing) that I was gay. I’m fairly sure most of the room heard. Well in this game (a murder mystery) at this point we had to close our eyes while Connor chose who got to be the killer. I had caught him staring at me earlier, and as soon as I closed my eyes, he chose me. I’ve caught his eye once it twice, but we’ve never really talked. Recently, he moved behind me in class. The same day, he came and sat at my lunch table. I didn’t dislike Connor at the time,but I didn’t really know him. As far as I knew, we have no common friends. I figured someone invited him, and I felt awkward talking to him. Halfway through lunch he left. When we got into choir he sat right next to me, but we didn’t talk then either. We are working on our one act unit in theatre, and he invited me to be in his group. This is the first time we really talked, and he was really nice and funny. I made a decision to ask Cindy what his deal was, and she seemed very sure that he was gay. I later talked to Amber, the friend of Cindy’s that I was friends with. She said that she didn’t know, and that Cindy isn’t nearly as smart as she thinks she is. This is going to be an ongoing project in Theatre, and I’m looking forward to talking to him again. I need someone to tell me if I’m making this all up in my head or if something is actually going on here. If so, what should I do? Should I ask him out? Should I ask for his phone number? Should I give him mine and wait for him to call me?

My F***ed Up Love Life/ Ten Minutes of Dry Heaving and Ugly Crying

As you can probably tell from the above title this is not a happy post. I’m about to let you in a part of my life and my soul that I NEVER as a rule, nay, a LAW share. Ever. At all. I have a problem with putting up walls. (problem, strength, make of it what you will based on personal philosophy) I never let people in, because I have a pathological fear that if I do, they might reject me because of it. I put up a tough facade, a dark armor that keeps people out as well as keeping myself in. There are many perks to this, WAY too many for my own good. You aren’t hurt by anything, people can’t use anything against you, it keeps emotions separate from reason (HUGE perk, emotions are messy and gross and bleck) , and it’s just so much easier. But recently, I’ve started feeling the repercussions of such an armor. When you let no one in, you push then away. Its easy, but it’s lonely, and it makes it harder to DO anything about being lonely. One of the main reasons that I push people away like this is because I don’t know HOW to deal with emotions. Emotions are illogical, messy, and they just make me uncomfortable. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not some emotionless
robot, I feel emotions, they hit me HARD. I just don’t know how to deal with them. Its easier to just avoid dealing with anything. I’ve been trying to let my walls down, but every time I come close to letting my true colors show, someone takes advantage of it. My story begins with a boy. The last person I was able to successfully open up to. I’m sharing this, because I’ve come to realise that this is one of the roots of my problems. The boy (man now) in question is aware of this blog, and I hope that he can read this. Its not enough to admit this to myself, I need him to know. I need this out so that hopefully the rest of my walls come tumbling down. So here we go. Throughout this story I’ll refer to him as Sparx (inside joke, I’m cracking up over here).

Experts say that the average crush lasts around six months. Any longer than that and you’re already in love. Well doesn’t that really suck. What would they call five years? Let that sink in. I’ve had an infatuation with the SAME man for five years, and I’m only 15. I’ve known Sparx for eight years. We’ve practically grown up together. He’s been my best friend since we met. Except, to me, that was never all we were. I’ve had this fantasy of how our lives would go. We would be childhood best friends, him and I. After high school we would run off to New York and get a cheap place in Bushwick, scare away criminals by going outside and screaming at the sky to make them think we were crazy. We would go to college together, he would put up with the loud, wild, crazy sex I would be having in the other room, and I would be his shoulder to cry on through all his relationship woes. Then, one day, he would look up and realise that love was here all along. Corny? Maybe. Sappy? Absolutely. Cliche? A little. Unrealistic? Yes. An absolute dream come true? You bet your ass it is. Now it’s no secret that I like Sparx in our group of friends. I think it’s always been a bit of a joke to them. He’s always kind of laughed it off. He either never really thought I was serious, maybe I was joking. Or, he laughed to cover up that it made him uncomfortable. Either way, I don’t think anyone really grasped how deep these feelings ran. I do not hesitate to say that I whole heartedly believe that I am in love with Sparx. I know what your thinking, I’m 15, I’m too young, how would I know. Screw you. If you’re that bothered by it then get the hell out of my blog. Anyway. Emotional time. I’m not talking about the stupid teenager I wuv wou love that runs rampant in the halls of today’s high schools. I’m above that, I’m not stupid enough to believe that that kind of love is worth anything. I’m also not talking about hormone fueled lust either. Don’t get me wrong, there is a sexual component, but that’s not the point. I’m talking about real love. Enduring. Adult love. I thought I was over him for a really long time, about two years. I thought I was able to accept that I would only ever be just friends with him. But it didn’t work like that. When I met Sparx, he was one of the single greatest people I had ever met. He understood me. All my quirks and idiosyncrasies were accepted. He didn’t try to change them, but even better, he spotted me. He told me when I was being unreasonable or, to use a clinical term, bitchy. He smoothed out my rough edges and made me a better person. And even better is that he CARED enough about me to do that. I had never had someone who cared about me as much as Sparx did, enough to accept me, yet fix me at the same time. I’m still a bit of a broken toy now, but without Sparx there’s no telling what could have happened to me. After I realised that, that he wasn’t trying to change me or convert me, that he was trying to help me, that was when I first fell for him. When I came out, he was a saint about it. While everyone else just kind of joked about it, he never treated me differently in even the slightest regard. He was more than tolerant and aware, he was CARING. He was there for me. While it wasn’t entirely a smooth journey (We once had a fight when he one said come on Angus, we all know that you’re only gay for the attention) he was always there. After a while, we sort of drifted apart. Our social circle got bigger. Everyone would rather be friends with the outgoing nice guy rather than the dark and twisty gay. We were pulled apart, but he was always present in my life. This is around the time when I began to question my feelings for him. I told myself that what I felt was just a crush. I was too young to experience anything like that yet. This desperate craving for his attention was just a phase. The constant vigilance that I needed to keep in place to keep myself from spewing I love you after every phone conversation would soon be unneeded. Then, a couple of weeks ago, we got into a HUGE blow out fight. We didn’t speak to each other for almost a month (the longest we had ever abstained from speaking).  When it was over we had this heart to heart where we talked about how we needed each other and how he worried about me. Afterwards I was left with the same whimsical feeling of euphoria from talking to him. Then, when I realized what had just happened, I actually yelled DAMN IT to the wind. Every tiny, unrequited feeling I had ever had came rushing back with a vengeance. This feud had a whole new purpose now. The next day I dragged up every feeling of anger and resentment I had (believe me, that’s a lot of hatred) and directed it at him. If I couldn’t have him, I would hate him because of it. I hoped to spark a new wave of infighting and destroy our friendship completely. See, this is where the cold, emotional detachment comes into play. I had never felt the need to put up barriers with Sparx before I had to fall for him. Now I needed to use them to end these feelings. But I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t bring myself to tear away from him. Since then, I’ve done everything I can to get over him. I even started a trial relationship with one of my friends, not that it ever got off the ground. I managed to convince myself that I was simply extremely lonely. I’ve scoured the internet and debate tournaments to meet guys who may actually be interested in me. But when I close my eyes and ask myself who I want to spend my life with, I can only see him. When I envision my perfect man, I only see his face. Every day, every hour, I think of him, I miss him, I love him still. He is the last thing I think of at night and the first thing I think of in the morning. And in between, he is in my dreams. When my phone buzzes with his personalized text alert, I rush to answer no matter what. I can’t stand to keep this on anymore. I want to get this out so I can hopefully move on, but this one dragging part of me is holding out hope that him reading this will finally make him fall for me. It says that even though he never officially came out it’s been no secret that he likes men and women. He recently told me that he was pan romantic. I need to get past this, but until I do, I think I’ll always have that voice calling for him, longing for him. I’m not here to make you feel sorry for me. I’m not here to make you fall for me. But this needs to be known, Sparx. I’m sorry. You know that’s not easy for me to say, and you know that stuff like this scares the hell out of me

Once Upon A Time “Heroes and Villains”

I have one thing to say before I start this post. DAMN!!!! Best episode if the season!!! Every single concern I had about this season was addressed and made the future of this show THAT MUCH STRONGER. I am very much looking forward to seeing the show expanded into the outside world. I can’t WAIT for March. I have some very mixed feelings about Rumplestilskin being expelled into the outside world. I said in my last post that I was tired of the constant good to evil to good flip with Rumplestilskin, but now I’m very much looking forward to seeing Evil Rumple with TEAMMATES in NEW YORK without Belle there to stop him. And when I heard that the Queens of Darkness were his students I was like what? I’m looking forward to seeing Belle for the first time in a long time without Rumple, especially since it is due to her actions. I feel so MAD at the Author. I can see Regina going one of three ways when she meets him. She’ll either beg him to change her story, go a little evil abd force him to change her story, or go full villain and take revenge on him for all of her unhappy endings. I personally hope that Rumplestilskin and his unhappy ending will shock her out of turning evil again. I make no promises for myself though. If I were in her situation I would have burned the whole town down looking for the Author so I could bitch slap a happy ending out of him. So excited for March, great episode, great story, amazing finale, amazing cliffhanger. March can’t get here soon enough.

Once Upon A Time “Shattered Sight”

Now I mentioned that I love OUAT in my first post, but I have yet to talk about it since. After watching last night’s episode, I decided that now is the perfect time to launch my own series of OUAT review blogs. Now, for those of you who aren’t caught up read no further. I want to decide this into four sections. The Villain, The Rumple Situation, what I liked, and what I didn’t care for.

The Villain
The current Villain on OUAT is known simply as Ingrid, and she is Anna and Elsa’s aunt, and the second Ice Witch. Now I have come to care for, and even root for Ingrid as a villain, but she is far from my favorite villain. For one, she isn’t based off of a classic fairytale or person from fantasy literature. As far as I know, she is simply a fabrication from the minds of the Writers for OUAT. Its also very hard for me to take her seriously when I see her, because I always think of Carol from The Santa Clause series. I can only ever think of her as Mrs. Clause. That’s not necessarily a flaw with the character, I just felt the need to mention it. Also, her and Elsa’s powers are never clearly defined or explained. All Elsa seems capable of doing at first is make ice, but Ingrid is seen teleporting, casting spells, removing memories, and making ice. Elsa and Ingrid supposedly have the same powers, then why is Ingrid able to do so much more with them? And in the episode “Fall”, Elsa makes her own tunnel carved out of rock. What does that have to do with ice? Their powers are also never given a true origin story. They run in the family, great, but is Ingrid the first. Ice Witch in the family? Why do they have these powers? Where do they come from? I also take issue with with her motivation. I can see why she wants Elsa and Emma to be her sister’s, I get that part, she loves them, wants to be a family, relive her childhood, awesome. But her methods are laughable. Why does she need to kill everyone in town? Why couldn’t she just whisk them away to another world, build them a secluded palace, and let Stockholm Syndrome take its course. And if there is some reason that she can’t do this, why must she perform an extremely difficult spell that took her years to complete, just so that the villagers would kill each other. Why couldn’t she stash Emma away and make an blizzard that would freeze everyone in Storybrook to death, leaving her and Elsa unaffected, and Emma safe. That being said, I did come to feel for Ingrid in this episode, as I realised how much she truly loved Elsa and Emma. But all in all, she is a sub par villain, and definitely not my favorite. That title will now and forever be held by Zelena.

The Rumple Situation
When I first realised where they were taking Rumple’s character when he killed Zelena, I breathed a sigh of exasperation and boredom. They have taken this road with Rumplestilskin about a billion times now, and frankly, I’m tired of it. I like how Rumple and Belle are now (I liked Rumple and Lacey better but…) and I’ve grown bored of this good then evil dynamic with Rumplestilskin. I don’t know where this sudden desire to cleave himself from his dagger came back, which would basically destroy the symbolism of what he gave Belle in lou of a wedding ring (even though it was never real), but I also don’t see any way his plan will work. From what I gather, there is magic outside of Storybrook now, for whatever reasons [side bar: I really hope they develop the human world more in the next season, maybe how magic impacts them] and all of a sudden Rumplestilskin wants to rule the world. His current plan is to leave Storybrook and take Belle and Henry with him and tell them that Ingrid destroyed everyone else, and that he saved them and is some huge hero. I can see that working, for a while at least. Then what? Eventually Belle will notice that you aren’t controlled by the dagger anymore. And how will you keep taking over the world from them? It just doesn’t make sense.

What I liked
Ok I’m glad I got that over with. Now I get to talk about how much I looooooooove this show. I especially liked getting to see the darker sides of the people of Storybrook. Personally I liked Shattered Snow much more than Normal Snow. That whole rant about Quorra gave me chills with how well Ginnifer Goodwin delivered it. And bringing up Wale made me wince and laugh at the same time. I also love how this season they’ve managed to fit in tons of references to fantasy and Disney. I love the Robin Ragina story arc, and I love that Marriane is dead. I love how Ingrid exited the show, by sacrificing herself to save everyone. I think it’s really great how much thought they put into the storyline and intricacy of the plot. I love (most) of the costuming and character development. I love this show.

What I didn’t care for
From the beginning of the season I have been displeased with Elsa’s costume. I get that they wanted it to look like the movie, and they succeeded too well. Once Upon A Time is supposed to be a new take on fairy tales, and I would have liked to see that reflected in Elsa’s costume. That being said, I am more than happy with costuming most of the time. The next thing that displeased me was the inconsistencies with the Spell of Shattered Sight. I was never quote clear on how it works. They say multiple times that it brings out the darkest in those it’s cast on. But by that logic, wouldn’t people with pure hearts (ie, Henry) be immune? So does the spell have the ability to create hatred and darkness on the hearts of others. I was also noticed inconsistencies with Emma’s powers. Why was she able to make that machine spark when there wasn’t any magic in our world? Now, I love Lana Parrilla, I promise you, I love her. I worship her as my goddess. But honestly, her evil queen performance? Been there done that. (I’m so sorry mistress I’ll do better)

No this concludes my review. Over all, though there were flaws on the story and acting, the character development issue spot on, and once again I must mention Ginnifer Goodwin’s spectacular performance. Though the episode had its flaws, it was far from bad. Overall,  I give it a B+


Now I’ve hinted and implied and talked around this before, but I think it’s time I finally addressed it: I am stone cold, heart wrenchingly, depression inducingly, lonely. I have mentioned before that I have a gay best friend, and that nothing will ever happen between us. But it’s gotten so bad recently, that I’ve actually found myself thinking about him. And deep down, I know that I’m kidding myself, I know that I don’t want him, I know that he definitely doesn’t want me. I’ve just been so lonely recently that I would enter a relationship with him for the sake of not being alone. And extending on this hypothetical relationship, if it ever did happen, we would make each other miserable.  We would drive each other insane, we would fight all the time, we would drag every fight we had to our friends and put them in the middle, and we would break up and get back together out of sheer necessity. We would put each other through hell. And if we were somehow happy, we would stay together for maybe a year or two, then college trips would start, I would cheat on him, he would get an STD to retaliate, blah blah blah. I’m partly writing this to be a reality check, so that I will remember how miserable I would be. I know that “it gets better” and “it’s easier in college” but that’s not always the case. I have multiple friends in other schools who are relationships, and it’s not easy feeling so left out when I’m already so left out of everything else. The reason that I’m writing this NOW is because last week I found out the two of my straight friends entered a relationship. Here’s the kicker: they’re both asexual. That’s basically unheard of in high schools, and that’s what makes it worse. Asexuality is an even smaller minority group than homosexuality, yet they found each other. Its hard, and I know I sound whiny and stupid and dumb, but dammit this really sucks for me. I’m ready,and independent, and smart, and I have to watch these straight ass holes, who I have always prided myself as being above, seeing these cheerleaders and athletes as shallow and simple, and now I envy them. I want to have something that they have, which is something that I have experienced before, and it pisses me off. If anyone has anything to say that can satiate raw unbridled rage an jealousy, leave it in the comments.

Gay for Pay

Now I promise you this post is NOT about male escorts, it’s just the rhyming catchy title that comes to mind. This is more innocent and disease free than that. I don’t know if this is a consistency, or if it’s just something that is popular here. I am in speech and debate at my school (I’m starting to do LD debate, and I do Pro/Poe) and something that I’ve noticed at tournaments is that there is an INSANE amount of gay people in debate. Like a disproportionate  amount of gay people. Like an uncharacteristically large amount of gay people. It really makes me wonder what it is about debate the attracts (Cards Against Humamity© moment) The Gays. So this is my first real time interacting with other gay people my age. And please, don’t think that I’m some hormone filled sex shark in a boner induced frenzy, everyone there is great, I’ve made tons of friends in debate, this is just me talking about this subject in particular. Anyway, first time around guys who may ACTUALLY be interested in me (emphasis on may), and I realise that I have absolutely no experience in flirting, seduction, relationships, kissing, casual conversation with potential partners, or being reserved at all. As much as I hate to admit it I may have scared a couple of guys away in my attempts to make my goals known. Que Sera Sera (Idk what it means but it seems to fit). Now, let me give you a crash course in gay guys minds for you. Contrary to stereotypes would have you believe, gay guys are absolutely no different from straight guys. I have learned this the hard way. (cue laugh track) Gay guys are just as starved sexually as straight guys, and in some ways it’s easier for them, and some ways it isnt. I exclude myself from “them” because I like to think of myself as an individual, because I do not have the pathological desire to screw or be screwed by anyone with a penis. I am searching for something deeper (no pun intended). I don’t mean to paint with a broad brush, I’m sure that there are other guys just as fed up as I am and whoever they are Will they please call me. (Ba dum chhhh) Moving on, if, like me, they go to a school with, like ZERO dateable people (no I don’t mean they r ugly, I’m referring to proper age, sexuality, gender, etc.), then it is EXTREMELY hard for them to get off, yet, at the same time, imagine how straight sex goes. The guy is in a hormonal rage and just wants to nail the girl, and the girl makes the final decision whether or not that’s going to happen (once again that’s not always the case, in just painting with a broad brush). Now imagine with TWO guys. Each wants sex as bad as the other, and neither plans on holding it off. That’s just my little frustrated rant. Ok, so recap: I’m sad, lonely, aggressive, inexperienced, and frustrated, and I’m suddenly thrown into a pool of guys that could be interested in me, and I’m scared out of my mind. I can always improvise, and try to flirt, but what if they get the wrong idea, and I obviously can’t sit down and announced that I’m searching for someone to spend the rest of my life with (I know I’m only fourteen and this is ridiculous and I have all the time in the world well shut your whore mouth Shannon). So then my dream comes true, I go to a debate tournament and I come across a guy who I think may be interested. He makes a point to initiate conversations with me, and I make a point to laugh at all his jokes and still make a point to express my personality and my interests. He asked if I was gay, and I said yes, and he seemed excited by it. We talked multiple times throughout the day, and once he even made a comment about liking my hair- YES!! I did it, he’s interested- and I get his last name and phone number. I’m sure that he’s gay, he’s funny, interesting, and though I don’t like to judge on appearances, not bad looking. Then the shit hits the fan. I decided to talk to one of my friends who goes to his school about him. Lets call her Reece and him Cooper. I find that Cooper is not only straight (which is fine, that’s just him, I just whispered Damn it and silently contemplated throwing a radio into my bath tub.) ,but he is an extremely ANTI-GAY straight guy. These are the people I like to reserve the term breeder for. He enjoys making comments on “if two homosexuals were on a deserted island, could they reproduce?” (My least favorite, and probably least logical breeder comment.) And what he enjoys above all is flirting with gay guys to lead them on. Well that just lights my fire. Under any other circumstances I would have said “just because you assume that I like to do taboo and creative things with my ass (which is none of your business anyway) doesn’t mean I can’t beat, kick, and kill yours” but instead, I felt weak. Crushed. I genuinely liked Cooper. I can’t see the appeal of leading on lonely, sad guys because you think it’s funny. Anyone who likes to flirt with guys, I think, has something to admit. That was this weekend.

Dear future love

Dear future husband,

Tomorrow is our wedding day, but of course you know that already. I never thought I would find you, and I thought I was doomed to be alone forever. But, I did, and for that I will violate my philosophy of prayer just this once to thank any entity out there that I found you. Thank you God/Jesus/ Buddha/ Allah/ Zues. I thought that I was too much for someone. Too aggressive, too passionate, too independent yet needy, too desperate, too creative, too ugly, too fat, too sad, too angry,and at times too mean, and that no one would ever fit. But then, there you were, like you had been designed for me. I barely dared to believe that someone like me, a perfect match, even existed, let alone be right in front of me. Then I thought that you could never be interested in me, either wouldn’t be interested physically, or you would be unable to get past my rough exterior. Like so many people you would only see me as one thing. And that would be all you would thing of me as. Instead, you looked beyond everything, like you could see my soul and the person it contained. I never thought it could ever go past a mild flirtation (though I fantasized about this day since our first date) but it evolved into a relationship. A mutual relationship, with someone who needed as much as I needed them. I knew it would all come crashing down when I inevitably fell for you before you could fall for me, but to my surprise you were the one to say it first. Those three little words; I. Love. You. I thought my greatest fear would be that I would die alone, without having ever loved anyone, but it was replaced by a new fear. The fear of having you, loving you, falling for you and letting you in, and losing you. Yet here we are. And now, after I have reached the summit, the mountain seems so small, so inconsequential. Some day I’ll look back and say that I had a little nervousness about us. But today, I remember how it was, how I was. My fear of dying alone was so strong strong that I would have fallen into the arms of anyone who would have me. I never expected to find someone who would choose me out of anyone in the world. When I was 14, I was so desperate, so lonely, that I seethed with an infectious darkness. I was so lonely that it ached. I thought that if I didn’t have a boyfriend by then, it meant I would die alone. As stupid as that sounds to me now, that is how I felt. Sometimes, I wonder how u felt, at that time. What your life was like, if you felt lonely, and cheated. Sometimes, when I think about it, the old anger comes back, and I neurotically feel that I was cheated out of those extra years with you, that I could have known you all the sooner. But then the old fear comes back, and I’m afraid that if we knew each other back then, we may have not been mature enough, or through some cruel trick of fate, we may have ruined anything we could have had. But as I write this I realize that it doesn’t matter. We are together now, and I plan on spending every moment of my life with you from now on. I don’t know what the next years will contain, but I know that we will be together forever. This is just the next step in the greatest adventure of my life. I love you, and tomorrow, when I walk down that aisle, I will know, for the first time, that I am doing something right.
With all my heart,
Your darker half, and the Yin to your Yang,
Your soon to be husband


Now, hopefully all of you reading this agree with me when I say that the members of PFLAG are absolute saints. These people, many of whom aren’t even related to, friends with, or a member of the LGBTAQ community (this is my own abbreviation, it stands for Lesbian Gay Bisexual Transgender Asexual and Questioning). They simply love helping people, and they dedicate their time to help troubled children. Needless to say, these are some pretty kick ass human beings. But I’m here to share my own personal story. Now for those of you who don’t know, PFLAG stands for Parents and Friends of Lesbians And Gays (I actually hate it when people use gay as a noun, ie he’s a gay, BURN HIM instead of as an adjective ie he’s so gay that unicorns are afraid to put a sticker of HIM on their binders in high school. But since they use it in a positive connotation I let it slide) They do a million different things for children and parents and for battling homophobia, so I thought my personal problem would be kind of put on the back burner. In Missouri, there are only three chapters of PFLAG, Springfield, St. Louis, and St. Charles. Of the three, Springfield was the closest, so I decided to contact them. I have only recently “come out” to my mother, and it is still a very awkward situation. I told her at 7 in the morning in the way to school, and after that I ran crying and hyperventilating to my theatre teacher. I was pretty much unintelligible the rest of the day, I never let go of my guitar pick and I could barely eat, read, or speak. Now, almost a month later, we still haven’t talked about it. Not a word. So this whole thing, plus my loneliness situation described in previous posts, drove me to try to find a sort of support group. Now,my school doesn’t have a GSA or a GLBT book section in the library, or even an openly gay member of the staff (come to think of it I’m pretty sure there’s only one black member of the staff too). There’s barely a young democrats club, abd there aren’t even many gay people in theatre (go ahead, scream hatred at me for perpetuating a stereotype) . In the immortal words of Fawcette ” it’s not my fault this school is totally devoid of the gay”. So I figured that if I emailed the Springfield chapter they could tell me about any support groups in the area. I emailed the Springfield chapter and, for good measure, the North Western Arkansas chapter. I never dreamed that the Arkansas chapter would be able to help me, but sure enough one thing led to another and Cathy Campbell, the President of the NWA chapter of PFLAG emails me back before the weekend is up. I have yet to hear back from the Springfield chapter, but Cathy Campbell has gone put of her way to help me in every way she can, despite me not even being in her jurisdiction. Thanks Cathy, and bless the people who work with and in PFLAG.


My lovers got humor
She’s the giggle at a funeral
Knows everybody’s disapproval
I should have worshipped her sooner
If the heavens ever did speak
She’s the last true mouthpiece
Every Sundays getting more bleak
A fresh poison each week
We were born sick, you heard them say it
My church offers no absolutes
She tells me worship in the bedroom
Only heaven I’ll be sent to
Is when I’m alone with you
I was born sick, but I love it
Command me to be well.
Amen (3x)
Take me to church
I’ll worship like a dog at the shrine of your lies.
I’ll tell you my sins so you can sharpen your knife
Offer me my death less death, good god
Let me give you my life
(Chorus repeats)
If I’m a pagan of the good times
My lovers the sun light
To keep the goddess on my side
She demands a sacrifice
Drain the whole sea, get something shiny
Something meaty for the main course
That’s a fine looking high horse
What you got in the stable?
We’ve a lot of starving faithful
That’s looks tasty, that looks plenty
This is hungry work
Take me to church
I’ll worship like a dog at the shrine of your lies
I’ll tell you my sins so you can sharpen your knife
Offer me my death less death, good God
Let me give you my life
(Chorus repeats)
No masters or kings
When the ritual begins
There is no sweeter innocence
Than our gentle sin
In the madness and soil
Of that sad earthly scene
Only then I am human
Only then I am clean.
(Amen 3x)
Take me to church
I’ll worship like a dog at the shrine of you lies
I’ll tell you my sins so you can sharpen your knife.
Offer me my death less death.
Good God, Let me give you my life
(Chorus repeats)

I thought I would begin this blog with the lyrics to my favorite song, by my favorite singer, probably my favorite man, Andrew Hozier-Byrne. Now I’m going to go ahead and make this clear, this song is NOT religious, and for me that is neither here nor there. What I like to focus on is the possible connotations you can take from the revolutionary and controversial  video, which you can watch here.
If you watch the video, hopefully you noticed that the romance is between two men. Now I don’t know if Andrew himself is gay, or if he simply supports the gay marriage agenda, but I applaud him for taking the courageous dangerous first step towards equality in music production, especially this early in his career.  Bravah Andrew, Bravah. When he was questioned about this he gave a deliciously sassy answer, about how he saw it as an extremely important step forward for society, and how anyone who was more shocked by the same sex couple than by the violence needed to revisit their priorities. There is nothing hotter than a man who stands up for what he believes in. And regardless of what you think of Andrew or this song, you have to admit, DAMN, white boy got some pipes. And that hair, look at it, look deeply into the hair.

All  jokes and drooling aside, Andrew has made a huge leap forward for music, and he has an extremely bright future. If u haven’t heard his music yet, you need to. Kk bye.